Boy am I ready to say goodbye to 2018. But in all seriousness though… Where has the year actually gone!? (Not complaining.)
I feel like not only for me, but for a lot of people I have spoken to, have actually had a pretty tough year. 2018 you have been bloody hard! Nope, scratch that… You’ve been a fucking rollercoaster. At the beginning of the year finding out I had to resort back to chemotherapy, I had no frikken idea what I would be in for. I was actually thinking the other day, how on earth am I still standing!? How did I get through that massive leg operation following intense chemotherapy 2 weeks later? And now that’s just a distant memory. It’s crazy how much our bodies can take. Honestly, it blows me away.
2018, I have felt so much hurt this year. You have given me my fair share of knock backs, heartache, physical and mental pain. You’ve really scared me this year more so than 2016 and 2017. I have been faced with some pretty intense surgery’s. Physio appointments to try and walk on my left leg again, followed by an intense chemo. Facing complete hair loss and feeling very distressed, and the most disgustingly sick feeling I’ve ever felt. I lost all my energy and strength in my body. I felt like I lost my identity. All of this happening at once. When I look back, 4 months of that doesn’t actually seem like a very long time. But in the moment, I felt like it was never going to end. I remember thinking, “how am I going to do this?” And well, I’ve done and am still doing it. It’s true that you never know your strengths, until being strong is your only option.
I felt a feeling of immense relief when I was told I had reached remission. Only to find out a month later the cancer had returned. Like, are you kidding me?? The doctors put me onto an immunotherapy, and this seemed promising to me. Only to find out again, that the cancer had kept growing. This was the biggest kick in the guts yet. The fear inside me was soo intense it felt like everything was crashing down on me. I felt like I was breaking, and I had to try and work through this feeling. I had never felt this scared in my life! In between all of this, I had a devastating blow to the fact the fertility doctors couldn’t find any eggs to harvest. WHY!? Seriously, universe.. You’ve really tested me this year. And I am now currently on my third treatment for this year and I truly think this is the one. Please, please be the one. It has to be.
I really thought when I had to start chemotherapy again that it wouldn’t have been this long of a battle. I didn’t think it would get this complicated. Why has it? Is this happening for a reason? Why has life repeatedly thrown shit at me this year? I have broken down, I have screamed and cried. I have feared that I might die. But I have pulled myself together every single time. I’ve felt like this isn’t fair. I’m usually a big believer on “everything happens for a reason” but sometimes things happen and it’s like, but why? Maybe I have more growing to do? Or maybe, this cancer that’s inside me is just one massive, stubborn, bitch of a thing.
I’ve known a few people to pass away from cancer this year, and it breaks my heart completely. I wish that it hadn’t of happened, but it did. These beautiful souls fought till the very end with such a positive attitude. And they never ever gave up. If they can do it, whilst being so positive, then so can I.
As you all should know by now, I never like to leave out the good stuff. I am always, always acknowledging the good stuff around me. It has definitely helped me in this circumstance. I got the privilege to see and meet the beautiful Melissa Ambrosini, and during her talk she mentioned to focus on your achievements this year. What have you achieved?
For me, I made it through a massive leg operation that caused me so much pain. I did all the leg exercises, sometimes needing a bit of force from my mother and I learnt to walk on that leg again. Resulting in ditching the crutches after 3 months! Once the effects of the chemotherapy treatment started to wear off, I got back into walking. This was a struggle at first, and I eventually got back into more of an exercise routine. This was one of my proudest moment as my body had become so weak. I braved it and created a blog, posting my personal journey and everything I’ve learnt and am doing, not realising the amazing response I would receive. I’ve done so much work on myself this year and I have conquered many other difficult obstacles. I’ve gotten out of my comfort zone more and I’ve said YES to new opportunities, coming 2019! I’ve connected with other cancer patients over social media and have developed some amazing friendships.
I’m really learning to get out of my comfort zone more, which in turn is helping build up my confidence. I’ve been watching my hair grow back and it’s been super exciting seeing the transition and to be honest, I think I’m preferring brown! Who would’ve thought. Everything in between my set backs this year, have been beautiful and fulfilling. Seeing how much beauty is still in this world is what makes everything so worth it. And seeing progression in myself is also what makes me excited to keep going.
2018, you’ve showed me my strength I never ever thought I had in me by hitting rock bottom. I can’t believe I have gotten through what I have! I will keep fighting and pushing for all the people who couldn’t and for myself. I will promise to do not only myself proud, but all the people who’ve lost their lives to cancer. So 2018, even though you have been an asshole.. Like a really big one. You have also gifted me with some beautiful memories this year with some pretty amazing people.
But even though I am surrounded with so much good and I have somewhat enjoyed myself this year, there really is no denying how hard it has been. Seriously, I am so tired and so exhausted. I just want this chapter to be over already. So, so badly.
So to you, 2019.. Please, please, please be gentle with me. Please offer me the amazing news I am waiting for. Please be the year that I go into remission, and stay in remission. Please be the year of healing, pure happiness and comebacks. I am so ready for it. More than I ever have been before. I am so ready to move on with my life. No more hurt, no more setbacks, no more scary, shitty situations. I think there has been enough of that. Bring on a new chapter! Bring on remission. Bring on cure! Bring on nothing but sunshine and rainbows! Is that even realistic? Haha probably not! But I am ready to start a new chapter in my life, with new challenges and obstacles, with new beautiful memories and achievements.
I don’t know what life has in store for me, and honestly it scares me! I wish I could see into my future, to know that I am safe, well and happy. Then maybe I could breathe a little. The not knowing isn’t such a great feeling and it’s something that has hit me hard this month.
All I know is that I am ready to say goodbye to cancer, once and for all.
Love always, Kat